Where is my sunshine?
My new place is finally starting to look and feel "right" (and no, i'm NOT a sofa harasser >.<). I guess its just missing some people element - something I've long accepted of myself - I cannot live without people i.e. my family and friends. There are times when I'd like to be alone but, most of the times, I'd like to be around people who and will make me happy. Heck, sometimes even one person AHEM (cough cough splutter) is enough to brighten up my day tee hee note: i may not neccessarily be referring to my booboo, it could be you, you or you. 0:) Do i really talk about my booboo alot? I think not. Btw, does my adoring public actually enjoy my insanely mundane posts? :p
I started off writing this post a relatively happy albeit high-strung-stressed person. Now I'm just a battered individual striving to find a way to rid myself of this pain. I don't understand why or how I can let one person be the source of my eternal happiness...and pain. It's really griping and there is nothing in my weak mind that I can do to change this fact. Or I should say, nothing in my gutless soul would have that capability of withstanding such blows of sleepless nights and depressingly blue days. I've always believed that fate and destiny will work their miracles and I will still hold on to that fighting chance. Call me stupid and fuct up if you will and although I never seem to come across as a fighter, i will not and refuse to let go of the people that are close and dear to me especially over these years because it indescribably pains me to lose people that I have loved and cared so much for. And i will NOT ever forget that feeling because I just cannot rid myself of it no matter how hard I try. I live and let live, but I do not live and forget. I might forget things I've said now, or things I've said yesterday but I do not forget my feelings. And i truly hate myself to be driven by my feelings and passion for love. I devote myself to thee but is it really enough? Sometimes I feel that there is no god, but is it right to blame our mistakes and faults on people and things that are not...not...i just cant think now. I've always thought we are what we are now, and if you fail to grasp the opportunity, then it is no one else's fault but our own.
By saying that, am i contradicting my believes in fate and destiny then? I cannot find answers and reasons to my dilemmas. And I do not have answers and reasons for everyone's problems. But when you have nowhere else to look, you look around for things that inspire and motivates you. Things that are warm, happy and colourful. Maybe that's why I always like looking back and missing the past - because my future looks awfully scary and I hate uncertainties. I hate risks. Aargh wat must oneself do to be strong?
I want my sunshine. Someone please bring it back for me. I only want you to do it. Because I only believe you can.
I started off writing this post a relatively happy albeit high-strung-stressed person. Now I'm just a battered individual striving to find a way to rid myself of this pain. I don't understand why or how I can let one person be the source of my eternal happiness...and pain. It's really griping and there is nothing in my weak mind that I can do to change this fact. Or I should say, nothing in my gutless soul would have that capability of withstanding such blows of sleepless nights and depressingly blue days. I've always believed that fate and destiny will work their miracles and I will still hold on to that fighting chance. Call me stupid and fuct up if you will and although I never seem to come across as a fighter, i will not and refuse to let go of the people that are close and dear to me especially over these years because it indescribably pains me to lose people that I have loved and cared so much for. And i will NOT ever forget that feeling because I just cannot rid myself of it no matter how hard I try. I live and let live, but I do not live and forget. I might forget things I've said now, or things I've said yesterday but I do not forget my feelings. And i truly hate myself to be driven by my feelings and passion for love. I devote myself to thee but is it really enough? Sometimes I feel that there is no god, but is it right to blame our mistakes and faults on people and things that are not...not...i just cant think now. I've always thought we are what we are now, and if you fail to grasp the opportunity, then it is no one else's fault but our own.
By saying that, am i contradicting my believes in fate and destiny then? I cannot find answers and reasons to my dilemmas. And I do not have answers and reasons for everyone's problems. But when you have nowhere else to look, you look around for things that inspire and motivates you. Things that are warm, happy and colourful. Maybe that's why I always like looking back and missing the past - because my future looks awfully scary and I hate uncertainties. I hate risks. Aargh wat must oneself do to be strong?
I want my sunshine. Someone please bring it back for me. I only want you to do it. Because I only believe you can.
posted by stephanie | 11:34 PM
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